I told Char about my thought of wanting more than just signing of the papers since it is the official of us becoming husband-and-wife legally. I could see his hesitation at first when I told him of my idea, but later he seems more eager. Char suggested beach solemnization. Then I begin to fantasize wearing white and beach slippers to go through the signing, with camera lights shining on us non-stop. Balloons are tied everywhere, making the event as colorful as possible. We hold on to champagne and pop it as high as possible, kissing each other before we drink. Then we shall dance like a teenager on the beach with some pop music playing from the radio.

But… money… haiz…

Thanks to the money… I might just marry off without significant perhaps…

If only Char is looking at this post, but I know he wouldn’t. Haiz….

If to marry without any significant, then maybe … don’t marry sounds better.

我的心，似乎在流泪。。。你感觉到了吗？Feel like not marrying him anymore…

All the while I have been pushing char to settle down for the longest time I could remember, quarrels were even surfaced very frequently. And it seems to be a topic for the two of us every fortnightly, confirming the dates to marry/rom/photo taking. We did the usual on Monday night, and I no longer felt the strongest urge to be married. Probably my marry fever season subsided. Somehow, I wanted to drag the longest I could to avoid this whole complications. Even though char haven’t knelt to one knee, yet fear washed me up like a sudden unavoidable wave. 

Our plan was to get the parents to meet first in the coming November (date not decided). Looking at the calendar whereby September will end in another week, I don’t feel it is the best time to get them to meet. With char’s parent poor attitude at the moment, i merely wanted to delay the unhappiness and embarrassment for as long as I could. I told char July 2010 seems to be a good time for the elders to speak, but he doesn’t sound too pleased over the phone. His idea was like what I had many months ago… to settle down as soon as possible (best to be rom by May). 

I wanted to get married to him. Probably it is the concussion that blurs my wishes and thoughts for the moment. Maybe as the time comes by, I would be more prepared than now. If we really stick to November to get the elders to meet, and then will he proposed to me in October?

At the end of the day, are we both ready to commit the rest of our life? Can I trust the rest of my life to this man that is bored and unromantic and … wasn’t career success?

If there is in actuality that God is looking at us, then I thank him for showing me all the flaws of my man. I realized for many years, which I chose to keep silent. Then again, if God is looking at my post right now, please allow me to see more of my man’s flaws so I could decide if he is my further partner, if I should say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when he proposed. I am recording everything down, as a reminder for not falling as a prey again for men. I cannot marry an imperfect person; moreover if that person often says something then turns up to be a lie. How disappointing and insecure he makes me feel. Not once but many times over the past year. I salute my tolerance level for still keeping this man, yet if we are speaking of marriage here, then I can no longer close one eye. That’s cheating.

Many people who saw us jabber excitedly that we have very alike couple looks. They said it’s a blessing. However, can looks bring happiness? I doubt so.

He hasn’t proposed yet which gives me time to think more vigilantly. At the end of the day, if he is still who he is, then we are not compatible and I would have to risk forfeiting my Acadia flat.

Anyway, besides getting busy over the marriage/compatible issues, I am cracking my head in my English.

I continue to work hard on my English, still aiming to score high in my ‘O’ level. Friends asked me to give up given that the standard has risen compared to year 2002. I wanted to be a teacher myself. I was one in the past, but that was volunteering basis and I received no dollars. What attracted me to be one were the smiles on the children faces and undeniably, its school holidays. Parents warned me teaching is a tough occupation last year when I told them I might be applying. Different perceptions kept my thoughts going. Let’s see if I can get a B4 first.  

This phrase has been ringing inside my head for 4 days. The company blocked all social websites (facebook) and all communication tools (msn/yahoo). I was trapped in my own cubicle. I have lost my freedom totally from the outside world. Desperate, I might sign up for the mobile internet after all today. Char said it wasn’t worth it last night considering the cost and the data GB given when we went to find out the price, but I felt terrible without friends. Yes, I am terrified of loneliness. Now I wish I asked Char to get a PDA phone instead of the cookie. I am very sure of one thing. If this continues, I will leave soon. Am I hopeless? That’s what Andy said when I was online (sneak into web based) for those 10 minutes. I was forced to sign out when the cookie notified the security department.

Everything that I do here, people know. It is not regarding the company installing any security cameras, it is the powerful effect of the computer that I lost my freedom to. As a 21st century kid, I think I am not being demanding. It is just the way how society taught me and led me to the attraction of the internet world. It is this society that causes me to become who I am today.

I slanted back onto the chair, dark thoughts appears. Without the internet, I am back to the darkness of my own world. Blogging begins. Because this is the only thing I can do to pass time, to entertain myself. Probably by the end of this year, I can complete writing a book. How sad.

I stare onto the ceiling, thinking … of Char.

]]> http://notreamour.wordpress.com/2009/08/27/pathetic-isolation/feed/ 0 charlesheng http://notreamour.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/words/ http://notreamour.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/words/#comments Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:41:57 +0000 charlesheng http://notreamour.wordpress.com/?p=34 ]]> words… a strange thing

it can make you get upset over the slightest mistake that was make without even knowing how insulting it could be sometimes.  once a while, crying over such things seems redundant. as such, i wish somehow i could learn the magic of closing my ears once a while to prevent my unhappiness over it.  maybe this is who he is which i cant change except hear and accept. then again, it is this uniqueness that make him stands out.

i love this man.

and i know i cant change him.

at the end of the day, it is the technique of having 包容之心。